AGALACHA DID COME BACK.. SORTA!

                          

Aarghhhh!!!!!!!

wanna jump right into it like the last four years didn't happen LOL!! 

Hi,dodlers! what did you get up to during the hiatus up in here? well your girl is a TROOPER yo! you don't even wanna hear the half of it..or do you?😌 l am gonna gist you regardless LOL!

you guys, I (thanks to the lengthy lockdown) stumbled upon a piece of revelation  over a recurring dream I had most nights and you will not believe how I "therapied" myself into getting some sort of answers and eventually stopped having the same dream night after night. its a gist and half you guys so here goes nothing..

For context, I have battled an avalanche of depression for the longest time and for different reasons too, some days just wanna snuff the life out of me, other days we fight back with two doses of "la casera"  and boy did we do damage!!!😢 

In this piece I will try to keep shit light which will be the exact opposite of the musings of my brain and my mind but I think it is best I keep it so..for now!

 I am not great in remembering dreams as they occur (I have been meaning to invest in a dream journal since forever, yimu!) but I do remember the important scenes and eventually piece them together by the end of the day. This particular dream was too consistent in content, scene and pattern, yeah, I absolutely could never pass it off as "nothing" or just "malaria"

Scene: This may be the most vital piece of my night troubles as it helped me place a time and place to the beginning of what would be a lengthy phase of sadness and feeling of loss of self in subsequent years. My dreamscape was always set in my secondary school! yep, you read right! odd? wait till you hear the entire gist na LOL but yeah, FGGCO was the birth place of this blockbuster dream of mine (ok maybe not blockbuster, more like hallmark horror! eek!!).

content: Now if I remember this somewhat correctly, in this dreams enh, I am sure as hell gonna wake up feeling like a total and complete looser, a good for nothing or just terribly bad! yep! most days I wake up shaking like a leaf in the fall, on easier nights I just wake up crying from the events of the dream.. scary right? now imagine having to re-live the nonsense! kai!!!                                                   

It is exam time and I am nowhere to be found! when I am eventually at the venue I am not granted access! chim o! on nights that I actually do find myself in the exam hall in my dreamscape, my biro wouldn't budge, see me in a frantic panic na! just before I am able to get another biro I go just hear "submit your papers" NSOGBU!!!!! I would have written absolutely nothing.. nothing! hot tears everywhere! these three scenarios repeat themselves with such brilliant consistency and all so very brutal y'all but here is the kicker, my all time favorite.. NOT!! 

I am steadily and diligently studying for exams and all o (because eez nur me that will be doing ssss in the exam hall like snake 👀)! ok nah, two minutes to exam time I realize two things: it is either I have been studying the wrong subject leaving me barely 80 seconds to shufshufshuf the correct subject or I was unaware of new notes when teacher been don give and I nur read am (hey God!! who do me this thing?) only to enter the hall and be drooling at my paper like this fine man I dey crush on (hian! here I was thinking one outgrew crushes! akuko!) so basically these are the contents of my dream loop and they are so not fun! chaa chaa! I mean who wants to start their day feeling totally inadequate and dull repeatedly?

I ignored them the first three times or so (wetin I for do? as I am not Joseph nko?) but omo, it did not ignore me o, na ebee kwanu? it actually started coming in variations and remixes! each night hitting more than the last, oginidi? nne! your girl abanyekwa prayer o because H2O have successfully exceeded cassava flakes! yes, I did commit it to prayer, I mean who wouldn't? damn thing was robbing me of the little semblance of sanity I was grappling and I did NOT like the way it left me feeling.. stuck! yep, stuck was exactly how felt! stuck in an endless Ferris wheel of misery with no relief in sight. taking to my knees (in prayer o 😒) was without a doubt the only (and rightfully so) way to go!

I prayed to God profusely to take away what I perceived as a huge problem, yep! you heard right! no vex, me self been reason say na problem o until the lord led me to a light bulb moment!(ding ding!!!!)  a revelation and closure of some sort, yo!!!!!!! your girl immediately took the first step towards unraveling (unknown to me prior) a huge cause of my deteriorating mental health and eventually making peace with one of the biggest pitfalls of my life (and of course the toll it took on my mental health). Everyday since then has been a gradual healing process and one milestone growth after the other.. 

the revelation..

I am gonna have to dedicate another post to this so I can really capture the essence if what I wanna talk about biko (plus my back hurts like hell, slouchy much Ginika?) I will probably also talk about my (ongoing) journey to liberation from depression and just generally some note worthy mentions as regards my personal battle with depression and anxiety aaaaaand....OBESITY!!!!! (cringe).. like I said, a freaking avalanche..nawa!  also most importantly, where my head is at currently so yeah, I am really happy to be back writing here and just feeling generally better!

I loveeeeee all three of you (my devoted readers), I know the zona story went no where, omo inspiration was dry like the sand in the desert 😫😫 hugely because... amarodi m self! hopefully I make good this new stint as I plan to write just whimsical and relatable everyday senrere as it comes to me.. nothing too fancy shmancy but totally would be worth your while so pleaseeeee hang with me e jor! 

welcome back to ijustdoodle! yay! ❤❤❤

welcome back my baby, ijustdoodle! 🍷🍷

Photo cred: google/alamy stock photos!